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But no, I am NOT going back.
I am sorry. For being selfish as of now.
New beginnings!
Okay the recently dead MJ is probably uncontroversially talented; after he gained all that popularity from his originality and talent, people looked upon him like some significant figure, like a representation. He did many things that others couldn't, was extremely versatile in singing and dancing. I still believe no artist can be as good as him in dancing, being able to move so naturally and perfectly.
Then come all that molestation cases that accuses him of being a pedophile, then suddenly, whether or not he really was a pedophile, he became a representation of it, he became synonymous with it. It is not because anyone SAW him molesting children, or because the court of justice convicted him of the crime, but because everyone kept talking about it, and it becomes REAL. Now even as one of the kid who sued him last time came out and confessed to LYING about the entire incident, it doesn't help anything. The image is stuck, when people need an icon to represent pedophilia, they think of MJ. Just as people think of pop culture, they will think of him too.
(in fact straits times once used MJ, spelling out his full name, to represent male genitals -.-")
Ok now that he's dead, people keep calling him the king of pop again, talking about how he was such a pioneer in pop music, and he was such a successful pop artist. People keep saying he was such an inspiration and an idol to everyone. Suddenly he is so glorified after his death. Before that, people can never mention MJ on the newspaper without some negative connotation attached to it. When a person dies, the achievements in his life becomes worth mentioning.
Maybe I'm just being childish, I mean it is not possible to people to keep mentioning all the great things a great person has done, right? Especially since towards the end of his life, MJ's life faced more and more financial and health problems, etc. He also had this status of a veteran, it's always this idea that his best times have passed, and that he is experiencing the "lousier" times and thus it is worthwhile talking about this once-great but now kinda "fallen" guy.
When he was in his not so glamorous days people didn't seem to want to mention (with sympathy) that maybe he wasn't a particularly happy guy, with a bad family and failed marriages and lousy reputation. Then AFTER his death people start to talk about how he suffered from substance abuse and was in and out of rehab, complete with sympathetic mentions of his childhood and his better days. It was as if the readers/audience would contemplate his life, and then heave a little sigh, that a genius and a outstanding man is dead.
I think all that the media every wants from us is attention. In this world today, whatever that catches the masses' attention rules. It is an age of ad populum.
I know I am making not too much sense now, and I shall go off instead of contemplating too much into this, to save brain for feesicks tomorrow.
First, I want to congratulate RJ for winning AC again! (sorry not gonna mention what AC, just to prevent people from finding my blog easily).
I heard we won a cool mount (and a cheap telescope). RJ ASTRONOMY FTW!! :D:D One of these days I must go visit and use all those new equipments juniors have won...
Good job to the other 2 teams too! Although I wasn't there to watch, I'm sure they put in their best as well! And since many of them are newbies, its a really good effort already!
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Watched way too many concerts recently. Today felt extremely itchy fingered, and wanted to practise. But too bad I left my qin in the CO room -.-" Shall collect it tomorrow. Although it's a bad time to feel like practising. Jiayou to myself.
I miss all those overseas ppl!
Okay holidays.
I am always lagging by a bit.
Nothing so eventful sotospeak these days, but I know I have not really blogged about concert yet. Fine. As I am not a very pictures person, so I shall just say it all with words.
Concert has been a very fruitful experience for me. In fact the most fruitful concert I have ever had, because I had to/was forced to learn how to stay cool under high pressure, was made to make decisions and be responsible for them. I willingly drew loads of stress upon myself, and yet after bearing the weight of soil and rocks, I got to see the blossoming of flowers that are consequent from my hard work. The smiles on everyone's faces, the group photos, and the make up that lasted till late night because I didn't want to wash them off, are all witnesses to what I would call, an enjoyable, "happening", high-strung and worthwhile night.
Of course there will be little glitches here and there, minor unhappiness people inflict upon each other, but overall it was an extremely pleasant experience that I wouldn't mind reliving. Again and again.
My imagination always amuses and surprises myself -.-", which is why it should not be trusted. Lol.
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On another hand, IYA had been quite fun as well, minus-ing the errr carrying of telescopes (they were heavy -.-"). Okay la even that isn't so bad. IYA was fun and teaching little kids about astronomy is quite fun lol, and making them play my oh-so-fabulous game (lol) was quite fun too. Seeing all the astro people again, listening to SK go on and on droning, watching Joy go all squealy and hyper, and playing random songs in the Newton room. Train ride home with Pan talking abt random stuff, lol. And of course knowing more about Astronomy by talking about it over and over again (7 times in total for me). The worst has to be making the same joke over and over again too =.=". But overall it was pretty enriching (will in fact be more enriching if there are CIP hours!!)
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Should work harder.
I survived!
Nowadays being able to trudge through daily life is tough, but I am glad to say I am still surviving.
I have ceased trying to ask certain questions and being all anal about certain things. When things do not live up to your expectations, you can either get angry or lower your expectations. When you can no longer help it, wise to just choose the latter.
I perpetually feel on the urge of giving up, but I know that is not an option either. I know I will soon lose what is now in the centre of my life, and yet I don't really KNOW it either, I trudge on everyday like there is no tomorrow, no meaning. Nothing seems to be material enough to be truly noticeable or elicit any response from me sometimes.
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If the years take away
Every memory that I have
I would still know the way
That would lead me back to your side
The North star may die
but the love that I see in your eyes
will be there always
by the love we have shared before time.
Wheee, Crouching tiger hidden dragon is the new phantom to me. Haha.
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I can forgive easily, but I do not like to be treated like I am dumb, over and over again. It's about time people pay for what they do. I need to be fair, and need to stand up for myself. I will no longer tolerate your nonsense.
To all those (more than one) powerhungry people out there, if you want to be signicant, you need to at least be physically present, don't think being an armchair critic gets you anywhere.
Which is why I quit talking sometimes :D
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I miss being a carefree primary 6. I miss having no responsibility and I miss coming home to a house that is 15min away from school, with family and with my own room. I miss having some concrete morality and being the good girl.
The good girl. hmmmm.
1)You have a lecture test coming up, and out of the 3 topics tested, you know absolutely nothing about 2 of such topics.
2)You discovered one day before the lecture test, that on the day of the lecture test, you also have common test for another subject.
3)You then proceed to realise that you have forgotten you have a common test, until 1 day before it (which means you have not studied for it at all).
Life is win.
And then it's over.
Like I don't want to think I don't want to face it I don't even want to see anyone I know I am in a state of denial and every little bit of shit, but then. It is a fact, it is something that eventually has to sink in, and I don't know what is the repercussions of that. Maybe I'll asplode, I don't know.
It's as if I wake up tomorrow, it will be SYF day again, and then maybe I would realise that today was a bad dream, like PHEW. But then. That is not possible. Everything feels so surreal.
And then like it's all over, as everyone says, as I try to deny.
Because beauty is so subjective, there is no strict measures as to what is good art, and also no strict criteria for someone to be "good at art". In this case it is music.
In a more peculiar, non-traditional western environment, the definition of being "good at CO" is even more arbitrary. Chinese instrumental music is obviously much less institutionalised than western, and the history of a Chinese orchestra is short. Although a CO is primarily "symphonised" to follow that of the western tradtion, it cannot be forgotten that individual instruments bear unique histories and other intricate mechanisms that are NOT based upon western theories of accoustics, craftsmanship, etc. Furthermore CO repertoires are never composed in exact same ways as symphonies, I believe special care always has to be taken with regards to tone colour, instrumentation, addition of cultural or ethnic flavours etc.
However, I will never deny that some basic principles such as strict intonation and timing etc will remain, and indeed it will help to have some proper music theory background and be proper trained. And here is where I am going to make a daring statement: I don't think that is the focus of a CO. I am not saying music theory and whatever is not important, and neither am I saying that they aren't AS important, because I happen not to know it (warning to critics: please do not start using the fallacy of personal attack) well.
So then what is the focus of a CO? Well I will just say, it is the music itself, the pieces we play and how well we play it. The pieces generally have strong characteristics of chinese instruments and are designed and composed so as to bring out the ethnic flavours, so be it, then our purpose as an orchestra is to bring out those characteristics well.
Now the problem is I think a lot of people don't think so (yes I AM trying to say I am right, as do all argumentative essays). One major problem is what I call the Arrogance of People who Know More Music Theory (okay bad title). I am not going to completely deny that we all tend to root for what we are better at (which almost justifies the ad hominem I was trying to rebutt against above). This arrogance also does not apply to all people who has good theory backgrounds. Why do people with more music theory show arrogance? It is because theories are definite, any input into a theory will give you a ouput that is certain and exact that fits the theory well. To be able to procclaim definte, objective knowledge, is equivalent to power, and such apparent power leads to arrogance.
The implications of such arrogance is far and wide. The arrogance may not immediatley surface outwardly, but they lead to other problems, which if I elaborate I will be seriously jeopardising my status within the context I'm in, so I will not elaborate. But I believe the main UNDERLYING problem is arrogance.
However, the arrogance is not justified (besides, there is hardly any arrogance that is completely justified, but some are more than others), because of what I said above, that is not the main point. However, theory is also important, which is why I think it is important to still have basic knowledge of it and yours truly here have actually made attempts to know more about it.
It doesn't take a genius to really guess my underlying motives when writing this, or what spurred me to do so. I hope in our pursuit for better musical performance we do not blindly seek what is defined as good by western tradition and lose what we truly are.
In another words, if you don't really want to respect a CO for being a Chinese Orchestra, just get your ass off and go elsewhere.
)):
I think I understand why.
But since my internet is going to cut in about 5 minutes time I am not going to talk about it in detail now.
Because we may actually be social animals whose identity is defined by our associations. It is so subtle, but it may be that everything I do (on facebook) is serving others and not myself. What I really want is to shout "hey this is what I am, please look at it".
I should have known by now that I have a crazy need to find an identity for myself and for others, I keep wanting to tell others this is what I really am, THIS is what I am. But life makes it tough, not everyone is going to bother with you, and finding myself is tough, yes I can't really see myself.
I think this is why people do arts. Because they need to express themselves. I think I understand now. It is extremely frustrating to be unable to let the world know what you are, or you are unable to know what you are, to yourself. The frustration is immense and unbearable.
And maybe I should choose art > facebook. -,-"
Another day, another day.
I wrote an essay on a topic that was never covered in class before. The title is 我对师生恋的看法. Lol. I wrote it totally NOT like a GSC essay, and ending up with really out of the world conclusions. The ridiculous stuff I mentioned include Sun Yat Sen's love life and the story of Madam White Snake.
I'll be glad to pass, but I really really had fun (: would like to see the teacher's comment.
HAHA.
(and would be glad for a pass.)
That I am candidly sitting in Com Lab 2 right now, typing yet another journal entry with the full danger of what I type to be seen by those around who isn't so much of my friend. But it's not such a danger, your secrets are only dangerous in the hands of enemies, not strangers. And here what I am going to say is not really a secret.
I have indeed become more and more of a bitch (cough) recently, something I would not deny given the unbearable circumstance given to me, and the way I have chosen to respond to it. In face of people who would not listen, would not commit, whose significance is abnormally high due to their ABSENCE instead of their contributions; they are the cause of countless woes, and also the painful flesh that we cannot do without. Maybe it is my insensible passions that cause me to be obliging, so "demanding", building paper bridges that can burn at any slightest displeasure. And yet I believe I have a good nature, I am not so much of a bitch YET, that no matter what my actions may be from only the angle of the receiver. I have confidence and guilt, but in this case, much more of the former.
I shall talk about something I have never really talked about - the guilt. Much of displeasure had been personal - I would have preferred it to be otherwise, but because CO is such a personal thing to start off with, you can't play around with me. I will take your slightest let-downs as personal things, and so goes my amazing ability to tolerate your little shitty whims and "i can't because...", and also my extremely volatile near explosive bridge-burning when it is over that very special limit. Maybe it is not so understandable when I change the next minute, but I have no obligation to stay constant when you don't, when you decide it's a good idea to do as you wish and never gave me any certain promise. I don't regret very much having been unpredictable. Not very.
But of course like any sane sentimental being I have my regrets of having spoilt what could have been there, wasting all the tolerance I was building up so strenuously, probably made more heads turn BACK than what I managed to turn them TOWARDS with all those nice words and fake smiles, almost like a beggar. It would take a courageous person to build the bridge again, but as I should have really expected that none of those members of the male species (generalisation, for now) would ever put down their stupid egos to say something close to pleasant.
Hey I understand that mentality, totally, I have made an entries about hating to give in to people who have authority and think they can make me give in by being nasty to me, with threats and "I am so much bigger than you". But no this is different. My rebellion has a backbone, if I hate the authority I would want to leave it forever, if I have no apologies I will not say I have, if I have I will say it to THAT PERSON'S FACE. If you have true, justified dislike and nothing to be ashamed about, JUST LEAVE. Look if you are suffering from genuine injustice, do the right thing and LEAVE, don't stay around and cause steric hindrance. If I can I would have walked out of SS class in sec 4. If you are justified enough, you would do that too.
The backhanded things, well you started doing it first. Your avoidance is easy, you have nothing to account for. The implications of your escapism falls on US. You should have never thought of it as this easy, to come and go as you wish, to freely express your so-called guilt and apologies to someone OTHER than the one you injured (you might as well dig a hole in the ground and shout SORRYYY to it), expect people to forgive you for your arbitrary apologies, thinking the easy escape for your is the best way (how selfish). Oh wells, it will come to an end.
You are not justified enough to leave. I MAY be justified enough to make you leave.
AND YET, having deviated from what I really really wanted to say initially, I meant that I was never fully justified to be nasty in the first place, I admit to that. Unbridled passions lead to what I become. GwH should not be an ideal up in the sky that we become blinded into thinking we CAN achieve. Maybe I was mislead by myself, maybe more self control would have worked, but the overall regret is near negligible. This is not an apology to anyone, not even myself, but a reflection and a quiet reminder to be more IN CONTROL next time. I believe in the dichotomy between what should be done because it is right and what should be done because it produces good results. I am sacrifising the first for the second, which causes this uneasy guilt to pile up and etcetc, but at the end of the day, net result is of more a confidence. Although I may very well be constructing a very nice image of myself as a total bitch. Well, the sufferings to be endured as someone with opinion and passion (:
Because I am who I am, I may have done certain things to have caused this and that. No (approx) regrets, and I don't believe you can make me think otherwise (:
Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.
1. What is your name: QW
2. A four lettered word: Quad
3. A boy’s name: Quentin
4. A girl’s name: Queenie
5. An occupation: Quizmaster (omg)
6. A color: THERE REALLY ISN'T ANY I'M SORRY
7. Something you wear: quartz necklaces (T_T)
8. A food: quiche
9. Something found in the bathroom: quarks (they are everywhere)
10. A place: Queensland
11. A reason for being late: Queue to the bus is too long
12. Something you shout: Quantum mechanics! (that's not true =.=)
13. A movie title: Q (it exists!)
14. Something you drink: quietude. figuratively.
15. A musical group: Queen (it's really a band)
16. An animal: Quail
17. A street name: Queen's Street
18. A type of car: Q-car (A sleeper (US English) or Q-car (British English) is a car that has high performance and an unassuming exterior.)
19. A song title: Quando, quando, quando
20. A verb: quicken
